ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i came on her dog
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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