We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
