it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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