The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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