so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
