guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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