so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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