help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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