How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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