we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
