I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
organizing the empties. That sober.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
