someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
do nipples grow back?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
