Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
