if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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