She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
