My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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