i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
