I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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