i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
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Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
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I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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