awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
