My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
