I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
