I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
