Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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