Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
