I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
