i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
