I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
