I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
there is glitter all over my balls
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
