she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
