I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
