I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.