Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
