take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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