Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
