I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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