Banned from zoo.
Again?
if only i could text you this smell
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
