That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
