im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
