apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
