Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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