I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
