How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
