i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
