Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he was CRYING into my vagina
my being single is dangerous.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
