your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
