do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
