You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
