It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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