apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
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I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
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To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Dear god my vagina.
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