I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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