I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
