please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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