Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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