no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
