There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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