fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
