so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
