I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
